By: Lindsey Welch, BS, CCLS, CTRS, CIMI
The topic of death is uncomfortable and difficult for so many people. Because of this, children are often shielded from conversations and experiences having to do with death. Caregivers of course, naturally want to protect their children from harmful and scary events throughout their life and this idea of protection comes from a place of love. However, we are often doing children a great disservice by trying to “protect” them from grief instead of walking along side them in their grief. Death spans across the ages, cultures, and world; as much as we try, we cannot escape the inevitable.
As Child Life Specialists, we have the ability to help change the idea that the topic of death is taboo, and children are too young to understand and process grief in a healthy manner. By keeping information from children as a means of protecting them we run the risk of children making up their own stories to understand life events, losing their trust in the information they are given and teaching them it’s more important to hold onto their emotions than to talk about them. Research data has shown open communication between caregiver and child lead to children having increased positive coping and understanding on the topic of death (Christ, 2000; Field, Tzadikario, Pel & Ret, 2014 as cited in Menendez, Hernandez, & Rosengren, 2020). There is a higher risk of children experiencing fear and anxiety regarding death which research has shown may negatively impact children’s reasoning in death (Ellis, Dowrick, & Lloy-Williams, 2013 as cited in Menendez, Hernandez, & Rosengren, 2020). Recognizing the importance of openly talking about death with children is an essential first step, however it’s only the beginning of supporting children through their grief. Included in this blog post is developmental information on how children understand death and what language is appropriate to use when discussing with them.
It is imperative we meet children where they are at developmentally and emotionally when discussing death. And often, if we start by asking the question “What do you know about what is happening or has happened to your (loved one’s name)?” children will respond with more information than you realized they know. This is also a great way to correct anything the child has made up in their head that isn’t true. It also gives them permission to speak openly and questions if they feel you are interested in hearing directly from them instead of simply providing them with information you have. Once the child has been encouraged to talk about and understand the concept of what has happened to their loved one, we must provide opportunities for them to express how they feel about the death and normalize those emotions.
In my 15 years of being a Child Life Specialist, I’ve heard so often from caregivers that they don’t want to cry in front of a child because it may bring out feelings of sadness. Children are so intuitive and likely can sense the sadness in their caretaker, as well as are experiencing their own sadness. From this knowledge we can change the thought process from hiding those emotions to giving permission to experience those emotions together, crying, support and normalizing for the caretaker and child. Giving children an outlet for their emotions and a way to process when they can’t find the words is essential to positive coping with grief. Children as young as 2 or 3 can benefit from dolls, figurines, or animals to “play out” death related experiences and we must allow them complete control of their play without trying to guide or correct. Older children may benefit from more direct expressive activities that can be paired with books related to emotions or death. I have included a document of some of my favorite books paired with my favorite activities. In summation, as we recognize Children’s Grief Awareness Day it is imperative that we recognize the opportunity we have in front of us to have everyday conversations about death, dying and grief with children which will help prepare them when the inevitable happens.
A couple of weeks ago, my 6-year-old daughter and I were on a bike ride together and we passed a dog that reminded her of our chocolate lab that died this past summer. She knew he had been cremated but it prompted her to begin asking more questions, most of which we had discussed before, yet she was still curious about, which is completely normal! During that conversation she said to me “Mom, when I die I want to be cremated to.” She was able to articulate to me that she didn’t want to be alone in the ground and if she was cremated, she could stay with her family wherever we went. The conversation was completely unprompted and though it was a difficult topic filled my heart with joy and comfort. Mostly that she was comfortable telling me what she wanted and why she wanted it and now I have the knowledge if the time ever comes. I encourage caregivers, to take the opportunities to talk about death whenever they arrive, no matter how benign or serious those moments are. When grief arrives at your door, it won’t make the heartache and sadness less, but it can make the connection and communication stronger.
Emotional Support Books & Activities from Lindsey Welch, BS, CCLS, CTRS, CIMI
Childrens Grief by Developmental Level.Marshfield Children's